Childhood's End? |
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Saturday, June 07, 2003
Anybody who is not called Julian can leave now!
Hehe J/K those of you unlucky enough not to be named in alignment with the oldest and most responsible member of the Famous Five. There's this kid Andrew in my college. Up until a few days ago he was fairly normal. Quite quiet, perhaps slightly eccentric, but no more so than me really. A nice guy. Anyway, a couple of days ago he comes in with his guitar. Some background information: the whole year group is in one big room, kind of like a refurbished warehouse with loads of desks in it... So he's got his guitar and he sits somewhere at the back and starts playing it. Soon enough a tutor comes up: "Could you stop that?" This bit is genius. He briefly stops. Then twangs it real loud and goes: "Stop what?" All the time grinning. Then she starts walking closer and he sort of starts trotting away around some desks and continuing to play. Eventually she gives up as she is a timid tutor not adept at discpline. When she is gone he continues to play but starts singing. Bare in mind we're suposed to be working, there are some 50 people in the room and he's singing away to his guitar and you have the recipe for amusement. Especially as he is normally quiet. So people are chuckling at the basic rebellion and insanity of it but at the same time a few people are pondering what exactly he's taken. Turns out anti-depressants. I'm not a fan of anti-depressants. I can't see how they are ever a good idea. They treat the effect not the cause of a problem. They ruin lives and make people dependant and I just think they are stupid. But he is quite funny on them... But the funniest was yet to come. I had assumed it was just a one off. Slipped a few too many pills. Apparently not. I was in English class. Some of the art students do English at AS, some do not. He is one of the people who does a different AS. He has never been in the room before. We are in the middle of a lesson. He walks in and sits down. People are thinking 'why is he sitting there' but nobody says anything. Not even my tutor who is also unable to discipline people. After sitting there making unhelpful comments on what my teacher is trying to say ("French to German!"). I'm already beginning to laugh but then hilarity hit the roof. He gets out his guitar and starts strumming it a little. Just a bit. Twang. You can see my tutor is eying him a little thinking 'who is this' he nervously looks at me like he's one of my friends. My tutor blames everything on me. Twang. My hands are covering my face at this point. I'm trying my best not to laugh so hard the building evaporates. He sings. HA HA HA! If funny was a food I'd have thrown it all up right about then. He's singing and playing guitar in the english lesson, he's never been there before. He's just sat down. This is really, really funny! My tutor is nervously "Erm. I think you've oustayed your welcome" in the most weedy unauthorative way you can imagine. Luckily because Andrew is a nice guy who is even nicer cause he's on pills he eventually complies but not before accusing "Pete" (the teacher) of stealing his album, even calling him a "wide boy" at one point, much to my amusement. So although I'm hoping Andrew gets back to normal soon--because I like him--and although I feel sorry for him--as his reputation will probably permanently be branded 'Insane' from now on--I am finding his antics utterly hilarious. There was more to come. I'm sitting in the cafeteria with some friends who also know Andrew. Andrew approaches with his guitar, strums some tunes. Although mostly he is funny because he's gone insane and everything, he's actually very good on the guitar considering he sings at the same time (difficult to do). Then Andrew is looking to collect some money for food. So I suggest he ask the girls at the end of the cafeteria. I don't know them and niether does he, I gather, but without hesitation he walks up to them and asks. They say no so he returns, picks up his guitar and returns, sits on the table next to them and plays to them with singing. They laugh. He carries on. For about twenty minutes. I believe they gave him some money in the end. The sheer confidence of crazy drugs. I have little more to say. Although funny I really hope he gets off the things. I have personal problems with them, I know people who have died because the doctors treated behavior instead of cause and it pisses me off. Andrew seemed okay a few days ago. The moral then: Although insanity is hilarious, it's no laughing matter! Wednesday, May 14, 2003
Hello, you little stunners.
I thought I'd type in 'reasons men suck' into google and see what absurd reasons women have created to even attempt to claim we aren't anything other than completely brilliant. I did not have to look for long. Instantly I came accross this website: 101 Reasons Men Suck it claims to list "101 reasons men suck". This laughable declaration was obviously a hot target for my brilliance so for your pleasure I shall now showcase the absurd list with suitably brilliant (I am a man) replies. They can't settle down. It's like they have to spread their seed to everyone. Have you ever heard of survival of the species? Perhaps you also think we should destroy the human race? With your attitude I'm amazed there's still any of us left? Or perhaps the reason men don't stay with you is because you're ugly and annoying? And if men suck so much why would you want to settle down with one? I think this is going to be a recurring problem with your accusations. All men are such hypocrites! If you're their friend they'll tell you that you need to find a real man and stop falling for such assholes. But when you fall for them they'll break your heart just like the rest. You're a fucking moron. "I want a man who's sensitive but also strong!" ring any bells? Oh yes, it's the sort of crap you've been spouting for the last billion years. Also refer to reply one. You're ugly. Also, why do you fall for asshole men if they are assholes and all men suck? Oh yeah. Because you acknowledge we rule regardless of what we do, whereas we have the dignity to leave you when you're an ugly moaning whore skank. Just b/c it "feels right" means its ok. They completely forget about your feelings too. You chose to consent. Take some fucking responsibility. Idiot! They rub it in your face that you can't have them. Like I say. You're ugly. 90% of rubbing in faces by the better looking person occurs by women. Bitch. [four questions in I am getting rather tired, this woman is even stupider than most women. I feel I may have to take some Prozac before I continue] They deny what they said even when they know it was true at that time! This is just a lie. Women do this. Not men. The word love isn't in their vocabulary, only lust Oh Right. "nothing" is good to wear Not until you lose weight it's not, fatso! That lovely black gunk under their finger nails from always working on their car We cannot question your clothes, however you can insult our fingernail hygiene and write websites about why we suck? Typical Hypocritical bitch. Please note the contradictions. Something she has earlier attacked us for. The little head Oh Right. Their ego You'd have our egos if you were as brilliant as us. But you're not. You're ugly. They get jealous easily We leave you, break your heart, refuse to commit and yet we get jealous easily? Make up your mind. Do you want somebody who is attached to you or not? CONTRADICTION! It seems actually women suck. Especially the author of this monstrosity. "Good times" are when you're in a dark room together If you've been getting that line you need to stop eating doughnuts. They make you want them over and over again, and each time they hurt you like before. "Make" you want them? Now how could we do that if we were so terrible? Oh yeah, I forgot* for a moment. We're brilliant. *I did not forget 20 minutes is enough grieving time. For what exactly? Have you lost your mind? Why would a man be grieving unless you'd dumped him? Then why do you care? You must have? AN EGO! CONTRADICTION. Their Ebonics ? I love you means I want sex "I love you" means "I may or may not love you but I want you to say it back to me so that I can feel I control you." to the typical woman. Wanna be playaz Women who do not want a committed relationship at a particular time in their life do not exist. Also, bare in mind that you are an ugly woman. Power tools are an extension of genitalia Pick that one up in psyche class did you? That said I am quite pleased with my high powered screwdriver. Pants are 4 sizes too big Oh? Male pattern baldness Come again? They BS constantly What do you mean specifically? That we contradict? That we lie? That we talk crap? Oh I see your point? The geniuses tell your best friend secrets and expect them not to tell you We men are quite proud of our integrity. I've always thought it a shame women didn't share this trait. When they're w/ their girlfriend they look at other girls When they're with YOU they look at other girls. Scratch "their stuff" every 15 minutes Seeing as how you do not have a penis you are unable to grasp our discomfort. Regardless you again have contradictory standards as you seem to think it's quite alright to adjust your bra at will and in public. Smell bad if not drenched in cologne Oh right. They always wanna get w/ your friends Is this "why boyfriends suck"? I'll assume it is because all the questions seem to be from the point of view that you wish to be in a relationship with a man. Strange seeing as how they suck so bad. Anyhow, until you lose weight men are going to continue to want to be with your friends. Because your friends are bootylicious, even if they ARE women. They always call girls bitches I've never done this in my life. Claim everything their's This is the sort of unfounded, irrational thing a bitch like you would say. What the hell are you talking about? Are you suggesting men walk into your home and say ?That TV is mine?' You're insane. Everything they do is a competition Competition breeds effort breeds excellence. Women compete over who can look the least like a fucking bitch and I'm thankful for it. If they didn't they'd all look like you. NO PMS! Are you running out of ideas? You are claiming we suck because we don't shoot blood out of our cunts for days on end? Circle jerking Stop saying things that are stupid. I can only begin to wonder what you mean by this and after getting a couple of visions in my mind I have decided your sick fantasies are far more disturbing than anything a man would ever consider. They have to be all big and bad Oh? Always want a 3some w/ you and your friends Better yet a threesome with your friends. Cuz they want their BJ but they won't lick us back Because we want a blow job we won't lick you back? Or to put it another way: Because we would like to have a blow job we refuse to give you any similar oral action once the blow job has completed. Only because we want a blow job do we refuse to lick your fish. You must realize how completely insane you sound. I don't think you need to worry about our Ebonics. ::gag gag:: (got it??) You would like to gag twice? Got it! The good ones are gay Or the ones who best meet all your ridiculous criteria are essentially? women. Have a need to be "Mack Daddy" Isn't this along the lines of "Wanna be a playa" and "They have to be all big and bad". Consider coming up with reasons that you haven't already stated. Toilet seat....terrible aim......got the picture? Do you have a penis? I rest my case. They destroy things lesser than them Pardon? Take pride in their rude bodily functions Unlike you, who thinks one of the reasons women rule is that they are able to distribute blood out of their fishy hole. They never grow up, my mom tells me this daily Maybe your mother should stop seducing primary school children. Perhaps it's this habit that has lead to your unfortunate inception and subsequent stupidity. Leave the bathroom smelling extremely rancid Oh? They demand too much As many as a 101 things? Expect you on your knees This is just another way of saying "Men want blow jobs" you're already made this point. It was rubbish the first time. Some words that are not in a guy's vocabulary: respect, love You've already pointed out the love thing. Respect is how you treat somebody it's not something you talk about. Therefore it does not need to be in our vocabulary just in our actions. That said you're ugly and I have contempt for you and would suggest all men do the same. They don' know how to say sorry Did you date a man with a lisp? Um hi my eyes are up here, stop staring at my chest Um hi stop writing things like "Little princess" and "world's biggest bitch" across them. Also: stop trying to dress seductively if you do not wish for us to examine your body. Thirdly: stop lying. Men are repulsed by you and your breasts. And is there something we should be looking for in your eyes? Do you need to examine somebody's pupils and retinas in order to converse with them? I think NOT. Damn women. They just can't be satisfied w/ one female You've made this point four times. They don't take no for an answer Sometimes we need to ask UP TO FOUR TIMES before we can be CLEAR ON AN ISSUE! They're stinky This point is entirely different from "Smell bad if not drenched in cologne"! They're hairy As much as you'd like us to be. We're not actually women. If you want us to be women so badly then why don't you just date women and stop spending so much time with men. They have this stupid walk The one where we put one foot in front of the other and then repeat it? Crazy shit! We must not forget their manly tales about stupid stuff they probably never did Like about how this one time we found this 101 reasons men suck website and laughed until our tongues fell off. They think that they're just the best We also think we're the Mack Daddy. Guys think they're the greatest creatures that ever walked the earth You're stupid. They beat the crap out of each other for fun At least it's honest. Backstabbing women bitching has become an epidemic. Many have no fashion sense Wow, a non-generalization. Do bare in mind, however, that men have more important things to do than wear this seasons outfit?Like continuing to progress mankind. You make them feel good about themselves, it goes to their head Your hypocritical stupidity is making me feel vastly superior. Yes. The way they think their sooo buff and actually a 7-year-old can whip their ass A 7-year-old boy? Take advantage when you're most vulernable Like when you're broken a nail? Think they could get anyone they wanted Does this annoy you because it's never you they want? Also you've made this point before twice regarding our egos. Have a problem with homosexuals. They're all homophobic. Gay's are people too They're also men. Why didn't you call this list "101 reasons why my last boyfriend Greg (who is fat) who left me for another woman sucks!" Love and leave Labor a point why don't you. Greg left you. Nobody cares. Once they find out that you're crushing on them, they act like complete assholes I'd be pissed too if I discovered a lady was "crushing" on me. Wait... what am i saying... they're always complete assholes Fresh material! Talk about their masturbation skills in public Heheh. We are quite skilled. They act like they can really whoop someones ass, when they do actually fight (if they don't pussy out, which most do) they just end up like slapping each other and stuff I could kick your ass! Tell every friend how far they've gotten w/ you Women do this 10x worse. <=== Need i say more What? RAPE I have lots of rapist friends. MOLESTATION Some of my best buddies enjoy a good molestation! And they get away w/ it Go to the police. Greg had no right to touch you there! If you get pregnant, it's not thier fault No it's not. It's yours too. Treat females like shit You've got your finger on the pulse with this point. [By this point I have become very bored indeed and it becomes clear from here onward that this lady is just pissed with one or two blokes in particular. The point to consider though, jokes aside, is that a woman has a couple of experiences like this one and then they say all this stuff ALL THE TIME to ALL THEIR FRIENDS and they all seem to think it's true and they are all fucking delude. Seriously. Women are 95% of the time completely fucking insane and crazy. Which is fine because they have nice breasts. Anyhow, I'll leave you to read the rest of her ?webpage' feel free to chuckle.] Danny Arick (gotta know these kids to understand that one) Go for total whores w/ fucking blue eyeshadow!!! If they just break up w/ a girl.... 5 min later their already jumping on another one Thay say they'll call.... but never do Don't talk on the phone, and if they do they only want phone sex Would hump anything with 2 legs Hump anything w/ 4 legs Go after girls that are all hoochified but when you dress like that they make you cover up Want u to pleasure them but won't repay the favor They'll give u their ex girlfriend's jewelery and say that bought it 4 u. Most guys eat whatever they want and don't gain a pound, its so annoying Guys only care about a girl if they're gettin some They let what their friends have to say impact them so much, it influences the decisions they make about everything When they make you cry they think its funny. Ladies, ever heard this one "I'm in love w/ my car, not her." I unfortunately did. They feel "trapped" They bring us down!!! Damn the man! Because GOD supposedley created them first, they automatically rule everything menopause, menstruation... etc..... their not supportative They think their all good, but can't really satisfy Guys take pride in their shit, literally They act all lovey dovey when they want sumtin' Hate Valentines Day! Always try to prove themselves better than you in everyway! BECAUSE WE'RE WOMEN AND WE CAN BITCH ABOUT IT Friday, May 09, 2003
Greetings all lovers of tickles.
I have to say tickling is pretty odd. I don't really understand it. What with the giggling and the squirming and the "Nooooo" and the "Don't touch me there" and the subsequent rape and torture :( On a lighter note I spent £26.69 at Tesco's yesterday. That's a record since I moved out. Usually I'll spend between ten and fifteen pounds sterling at this place. Not today. I've just got my shopping list out of my wallet, it has yet to be looked at but I am suspicious of the twenty-six pound total and this is a great excuse to tell you all what I eat. I do love food.
Don't cum in your pants all at once now ladies. And for the gentlemen reading, follow this list to be like me. Just imagine the romantic opportunities. You'll have girls clawing to touch your genitals. I might publish this as the James diet or something. Until next time, CHILL! Sunday, May 04, 2003
Thanks to blogger not working at all this update is at least three weeks old ruining its topical appeal :(
Hello Friends :) Last night I went out "Clubbing" to the beat of "Hip-Hop" in an abode craftily titled "The rooms" (it consists of rooms of some kind!!!). I was mostly there because a friend of mine was having her birthday and thought it would be a good idea to get horrifically drunk for the occasion. Her friend is called 'George' (I guess her real name is Georgina or maybe her parents hate her), this blog is about her. I am tittering as I type. The club closed at about 2am and we were hanging around out the front talking. George comes out, it is common knowledge she pulled some guy and took him to the toilets. "Did he fuck you in the ass George" somebody enquired for research purposes. She just grinned and kind of goes "Yes." This is funny when sober but you can imagine the hilarity in an intoxicated state. It sounded a little like "hahahahooohahfhfff". George took it up the back-passage. The man went in her out hole. Word on the street says she'll be pooping snow in the morning. So we're making lots of fun of her for admitting to bending over and taking a phallus in the rear with somebody she's only just met in the scrummy toilets of a pretty poor club when suddenly she piped up with the explanation that made it all ok: "His name was Yohan!" Okay George; I was a little worried that you were so eager to pertain to your bum shenanigans at first; now, however, with the fresh information about the fact that Mr. Shitstick has a hybrid Swedish/Japanese name I understand completely. Oh ho! So obviously we just had to comment on this ludicrous justification for letting Mr. Arse-Bandit himself pull off his backhind heist. George, feeling the full wrath of disapproving fanny fans, felt the need to further explain her actions, as if informing us his name was Yohan wasn't explanation enough! "You don't understand. It's not like he?s like us [16-18 year olds] he was 25!" Didn't we feel like fools! Making all our naughty comments without even getting the facts! Armed with new clarity we instantly apologized. Or at least we would have, if the excuse had been even close to acceptable. Sorry George, the fact that the earth has rotated around the sun several times more since the inception of Butt-bad-boy Yohan than it has for us really doesn't resolve our reservations about the normality of this accomplishment. Grinning like a Hyena who has just been told to increase his grinning by at least 50% in preparation for the world grinning championships, George threw out one last-ditch exclamation: "He has a daughter!" Phew. For a minute here I thought we were dealing with an ordinary, irresponsible, childless monster with an unhealthy attraction to ass. If we'd known the man who obtruded her posterior fathered a small infant we'd have been much more accepting of his sinful fetish and her eagerness to fulfill his sordid demands! AHEM! George, Yohan spawning his own anklebiter does not really excuse you taking him to a grotty club toilet and letting him implant his goo-gun into your brown burrow. Perhaps Yohan was anxious not to impregnate again, but plugging his drill into her dirty socket was taking his concerns into the realms of immorality. George, you had three attempts to account for your wicked ways and you wasted them. Thusly your request "Don't tell anyone about this" uttered with a chuffed look of accomplishment on your face, has fallen on deaf ears. Unlike your shameful actions, this updated is justifiable! Until next time kids. Tuesday, April 01, 2003
Yo, Crotchsmellers!
The last update was ready for days but didn't appear because blogger.com was on its period or something. Sorry about that. Today I'd like to talk about something really important to us all; unfortunately I'm not that smart so instead I'll talk about something that has little impact on any of our lives: Pull-down British Bulldogs! Throughout my childhood I have experimented in many different versions of bulldogs. It started off with soft versions, like tag; then I moved onto harder stuff, like roughly grasping an opponent for three seconds. By the time I kicked the habit a few years back I was playing full pull-down version at least sixty times a day. I knew I had to breakout, and through many BDA meetings I did. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. For those not in the loop--perhaps you don't keep up with word on the street, or maybe you're a fucking loner fag'let me explain what the game of Bulldog is: You have a basic boundary, let's say a small football pitch. All the players except one line up at one end of the playing field and the remaining nominee is 'on' they stay in the middle of the pitch and choose people from the line to run (like a bull-dog'''). The person running has to dodge the person in the middle and make it to the other end of the area (if it's tag bulldog then just by touching the runner. If it's pull-down you have to throw them to the ground). If the runner is caught they then go in the middle WITH the other player. Over time it makes it extremely hard for even the fastest people to dodge past. It's this inherent difficulty increase as more people get caught that makes the game so fun. It's a constant challenge to stay on until the end and then see how long you can survive alone. But it's addictive and I hadn't played in several years. Until a few days ago... People started playing a particularly addictive version of pull-down and suddenly the old-cravings began again: 'Just one game, for old times' I said. Before long I had played TWO GAMES. Oh, the fun! The exercise! The grappling with handsome men! LOL THAT WAS A JOKE ROOFLE! I OBVIOUSLY DRINK BEER AND DATE GIRLS REALLY!!!! LOL! Anyhow, it was lots of fun and I hope to play it lots more soon! Anyone reading this should definitely try to get games together, the fun of dodging, running, spanking and belching combine to create exhilaration much like that experienced from prodding dead swans with filthy whore sticks! I'd also like to say a big shout out to Fellatio, thanks a lot, I appreciate all your love over the past year. Monday, March 31, 2003
Bitching: Wahhh, u r a gay boy lol, update childsend roofle. UNF.. Although I WOULD NOT LOOK FAVOURABLY upon somebody saying the aforementioned italicized piece of theoretical libel. It would be fair enough. It's not true bitching either. it's a direct insult, and I for one am all for direct, in-your-face verbal attacks, you fucking homo pussy. No, bitching is lots worse, and not all noble. Bitching is backstabbing, it's plotting, scheming, chattering behind somebody's back. It's cowardly, stupid, and quickly reveals a person's insecurities. We probably all bitch like this from time to time. And for that we should be annoyed at ourselves. It is the serial-bitchers that are the main concern though. The people who bitch all the time and about everybody who isn't currently in the room. These are often, but not always, young women. They can be intelligent people, but often they are stupid. For those I offer you a few bullet points to address the reasons why this course of action is a bad idea:
I should probably write a self-help book. It could be called Embracing Day! Then I could release more volumes. Think of the HILARITY when volume five appears on the shelves. Embracing Day V. Oh how you'd all chuckle. My name is Davy. Pronounced Day Vee... Day V... ahahoofffff. Until next time kids! Tuesday, March 18, 2003
Pretend you didn't notice I haven't updated in six trillion pico seconds.
Today I went on a trip to Bristol. We were supposed to take photographs of the architecure for the new project (Art & Design) "Urban". I didn't expect to be quite as charmed as I was by the, frankly very, very sexy, city. If you picked up a brochure designed to advertise a place you'd expect them to choose the best photos available; likewise, if you placed somebody in a city you wanted to sell to them you'd put them in the nicest area. With this in mind, perhaps I haven't got a very represental idea of Bristol as a whole. That said... it's still awesome. Obviously a lot of money has been poured into making the centre very contemporary. Buildings are plentiful, many with sexy curves, lots finished with a slutty stainless steel. There are bendy bridges spanning the rivers littered with boats, trees grow everywhere. Elaborate fountains declare they have bladder problems at every turn. Museums all over, and, as it was a lovely day, people sitting by the waters, smiling, handing out "STOP THE WAR" leaflets and POLICEMEN ON HORSES. I haven't seen that in a while. I think I might seriously consider Bristol as a place to go if I take the university route. Or even if I just go for a reasonable job. It was very, very nice. The stop the war leaflets that are being handed around in ALL the cities though... not sure they'll help. The idea seems to be to basically cause gridlock accross the country or something. Could be fun in a way. Effectiveness not guaranteed. Went to Ju Jutsu today. That was fun. Lots of people who were grown ups and nobody who was really not a grown up there. Lots of testosterone, lots of muscle, but pretty friendly bunch of people. Mostly. I enjoyed learning a new HOLD which I plan to utilise against a SELECTION of friends tomorrow until they have ceased to breathe. After that it's a simple two step plan and *pwoosh* their wallet contents are mine. 1) Open Wallet 2) Remove Contents Bunnies are gay. More Handymen Next Week!!! |
